almorzo

i can´t believe i figured this out so late in the game: i can watch mujeres apasionadas while i eat pollo a lo pobre at any lunchette worth frequenting.

¡hasta la vista, barista!

this happened tuesday:

profesora: give me a word that ends in -ísta.
me: barista.
p: what?
me: barista. you know, like the person who makes your coffee.
p: that´s not a word here.
me: but i saw it on a poster.
(showing a picture of the ¨bad boy barista¨ poster).
p: i don´t know how to say this gently - that poster´s in english.
me: hmmm. good point.

kristel, meg, and i are heading to the desert this weekend to pack in a few more adventures before we head back to the states. ´til next week: ¡hasta la vista!

context is everything

context can get you places. even if your brain takes the long route. take lago and lado for example. the first means lake, the latter, side. this morning i asked a staff member who was sharing an elevator with me:

why are there no 2nd or 3rd floors for this elevator?
because they're on the other lake.
oh...thanks.

about halfway through breakfast i realized she'd said side. about that time, i caught a preview for the new batman movie on the cafeteria television. it flashed the title: 

batman: horse of the night.
that seemed odd. so i asked vicki:

cc: caballero means horse, right?
v: gentlemen. caballero means gentlemen, more or less. like on the bathroom doors.
cc: right.
v: caballo is horse.
cc: oh...thanks.
v: what made you think of that?
cc: oh, nothing really. just...batman: the dark knight...makes. more. sense.

i should have learned this lesson weeks ago in araçatuba. i couldn't figure out why dad kept starting sentences with:

a building because...
so i asked márcio:

cc: um edificio is a building, right?
m: right.
cc: then why does dad start every sentence with edificio?
m: (puzzled look. pause. laughter erupts.) edificio! edificio!
(the group conversation stops. inquiries begin. another round of laughter.)
cc: what? edificio? what's so funny? what did i say?
m: é difícil and edificio.
cc: huh?
m: they're two different things. (speaking slowly). edificio is a buliding. but he's saying é difícil. "It's difficult."
cc: (laughing despite myself). well...é difícil to hear the difference.

miel means honey

i will never forget the spanish word for honey - miel. i was craving stir-fry real bad so i went to the store to buy some fixings. i found rice, peppers, onions, garlic, mushrooms, eggs, soy sauce, basil, mustard, and vinegar without trouble. but the honey eluded me. unfortunately, i did not know the word for honey. or bee. and i (erroneously) thought i knew the words for sugar and sweet.

me: excuse me. i am looking for something that is [gibberish] and comes from a bzzzzz.

the grocer stares blankly.

me: i don't know the word exactly, but it is dirty and it's a product that comes from something that says bzzzzzz.

grocer 1: limpieza de aerosol?

i stare, making a half-hearted wing flutter gesture.

me: maybe...

grocer 1: it goes "tst tst tst?"

me: yes. i think, yes. 

grocer 1: aisle 4.

me: thank you!

when i got to aisle 4 - the cleaning supplies - i knew something had gone seriously awry. so i approached grocer 2.

me: excuse me. i am looking for something that is like [gibberish] but is a liquid. and it comes from an insect that goes bzzzzzz.

i make a wing fluttering gesture as i buzz. grocer 2 tries, unsuccessfully, to stifle a laugh.

me: haha. yeah, ummm...it's a liquid that is [gibberish] like [gibberish] and is a product of an insect that goes bzzzzz.

i am flapping more fiercely. grocer 2 laughs openly.

grocer 2: hmmm...

me: bzzzzzzzz...?

grocer 2: una abeja?

me: i'm not sure. in english it's called honey.

grocer 2: i don't speak english.

me: right. well...it comes from an insect that is yellow and black...

grocer 2: miel?

me: i'm not sure.

grocer 2: follow me. 

grocer 2 leads me to aisle 7 and presents me with a selection of honeys.

grocer 2: (confidently) miel.

me: miel!

grocer 2: miel de abeja.

me: miel de...gracias!

grocer 2: (chuckling) no problem.

me: thank you. very very much. miel. miel. miel. thank you.

turns out the best recipe for conversational success is a wicked appetite, a strong dose of shamelessness, and a dash of charades.

life expectancy calculator

the server went down at work, which meant that we only had access to the world wide web. seeing as our employer blocks facebook, youtube, hulu, and any other entertaining or socially productive sites, we were forced to google: life expectancy calculator. and compete over who would live longest.

i made it to 93. and immediately started shaving years off my life by stressing over other people's results. despite the calculator's affirmations re: my diet, lifestyle, family history, and exercise routines, EVERYONE SCORED HIGHER than i did. whatever, doc. you probably got your MD online. not even. you're probably a 13-year-old computer genius hermit who's obsessed with ruining people's lives.

but seriously, what's your score?

you know you have a weird job when...

you find yourself googling sex bracelets and emailing the results to your supervisor. here's what happened:

supervisor: what do the colors on sex bracelets mean? i have a parent who -
me: sex bracelets?
s: yeah. the ones girls are wearing these days.
m: there are bracelets for sex? hold on. (googling.) oh. oh? eww...want me to email you this link?
s: would you? thanks.

social cues

you're in an uncomfortable conversation with mom's coworker's aunt who is reporting on her family's history of foot fungus as you nervously nibble on a piece of cantaloupe. you catch mom's eye across the patio and return her glance with wide eyes and a terrified grin which she immediately mistakes for an "i'm having a great time" smile. she waves merrily and turns her back on you to greet a distant relative who has just arrived. the party's winding down, the punch is gone, and you are stuck for the indefinite future.

what you need are a few clear, unmistakable social cues. none of this ear-tugging, eyebrow-raising nonsense. for your consideration (photo demonstrations by jess):

AWKWARD TURTLE
accomplished by placing one hand, palm down, on top of the other and wiggling thumbs in a circular motion. this communicates feelings of awkwardness and social discomfort. it can be used as a nonverbal cue directed at the person causing said discomfort or as a third party s.o.s. signal.

SEXUAL TENSION SWAN
to assume this pose, bend one arm at a 90 degree angle and place it parallel to your torso, palm up. place the elbow of your second arm in the palm of your first and form a bird beak with your hand. a must-have at the club, this swan can be as sassy and aggressive as situation requires.

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
someone has to break the silence. might as well be you. extend arm diagonally across your body and secure it in the crook of your second arm while covering your face with fingertips. nobody can ignore an elephant like that.

Tips on Fake Sleeping (Originally Posted on MySpace 09/06/06)

Recently, I began to consider The Art of Fake Sleeping ("FS" as we like to call it in the industry). For centuries people have been using FS tactics to mediate conflict, dodge social responsibilities and, of course, to instigate or prolong amorous activities. But like food connoiseurs, everyone claims to be one, but few are more than simply tolerated - even secretly ridiculed - in their field of expertise. Call me an egalitarian, but I believe that everyone has the potential to be an FS expert. For this reason I have collected data from a variety of sources to determine the critical elements for effective FS:

1. BREATHING - This is the number one give-away among amateurs. When sleeping, a person's breathing typically slows down, giving way to full-diaphragm inhalations and intermittant sighs. Many aspiring FSers become distracted by the stealth of FS, and their breathing betrays them.

2. BODY MOVEMENT - When engaging in FS, some confuse it with PD (commonly known among tykes and tail-waggers as "playing dead"). While it is critical to retard your bodily responses for a convincing bout of FS, it is equally imperative to appear alive. Abnormal stiffness or lack of response to external stimuli is a common downfall among young FSers.

3. WAKEABILITY - This element of FS can be tricky because wakeability is a very personal attribute; that is, if you are attempting FS among strangers, you can skate by undetected with little or no effort. Among friends, intimate enemies, or other familiar beings, you will likely be judged with a more critical eye. Are you easily awakened or a heavy sleeper? Do you typically come to in a groggy fashion or an alert frenzy? Are you more inclined to mumble before, or after, opening your eyes? These questions might seem trivial, but they could be the deciding factor in an otherwise suspect case of FS.

If sufficient attention is paid to these three (3) elements, most people will find their FS efforts to be fruitful. I would like to briefly turn my attention to those more advanced among us; those who have mastered these elements, and a crave new challenges in the realm of FS. To you, I propose the following:

4. DESIRABILITY - One FS guru recently suggested that desirability - or lack thereof - can be a highly persuasive tool in circumstances of feigned slumber. For example, allowing one's attire to ride up in an unflattering manner not only deters unwanted company, but makes the statement that only a truly unconscious being would allow themselves to appear that way. Another budding FSer focuses efforts on the mouth/drool regions.

5. HEART RATE - While I have not personally mastered this element, I hold the firm belief that one could reduce one's heart rate sufficiently through relaxation and breathing exercises. The danger, of course, is actually falling asleep, losing consciousness, or perhaps even dying. I do not recommend any of these alternatives to FS. Nor do I encourage the use of depressants to accomplish this feat.

6. EYES OPEN - If you manage this, please contact me immediately to arrange an interview.

Notable FSers

1. JONAH (thank you, compTron): "Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god. ... But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep" (Jonah 1:5). A likely story.

*If you are aware of other cited FSers, please add them below.