Tips on Fake Sleeping (Originally Posted on MySpace 09/06/06)

Recently, I began to consider The Art of Fake Sleeping ("FS" as we like to call it in the industry). For centuries people have been using FS tactics to mediate conflict, dodge social responsibilities and, of course, to instigate or prolong amorous activities. But like food connoiseurs, everyone claims to be one, but few are more than simply tolerated - even secretly ridiculed - in their field of expertise. Call me an egalitarian, but I believe that everyone has the potential to be an FS expert. For this reason I have collected data from a variety of sources to determine the critical elements for effective FS:

1. BREATHING - This is the number one give-away among amateurs. When sleeping, a person's breathing typically slows down, giving way to full-diaphragm inhalations and intermittant sighs. Many aspiring FSers become distracted by the stealth of FS, and their breathing betrays them.

2. BODY MOVEMENT - When engaging in FS, some confuse it with PD (commonly known among tykes and tail-waggers as "playing dead"). While it is critical to retard your bodily responses for a convincing bout of FS, it is equally imperative to appear alive. Abnormal stiffness or lack of response to external stimuli is a common downfall among young FSers.

3. WAKEABILITY - This element of FS can be tricky because wakeability is a very personal attribute; that is, if you are attempting FS among strangers, you can skate by undetected with little or no effort. Among friends, intimate enemies, or other familiar beings, you will likely be judged with a more critical eye. Are you easily awakened or a heavy sleeper? Do you typically come to in a groggy fashion or an alert frenzy? Are you more inclined to mumble before, or after, opening your eyes? These questions might seem trivial, but they could be the deciding factor in an otherwise suspect case of FS.

If sufficient attention is paid to these three (3) elements, most people will find their FS efforts to be fruitful. I would like to briefly turn my attention to those more advanced among us; those who have mastered these elements, and a crave new challenges in the realm of FS. To you, I propose the following:

4. DESIRABILITY - One FS guru recently suggested that desirability - or lack thereof - can be a highly persuasive tool in circumstances of feigned slumber. For example, allowing one's attire to ride up in an unflattering manner not only deters unwanted company, but makes the statement that only a truly unconscious being would allow themselves to appear that way. Another budding FSer focuses efforts on the mouth/drool regions.

5. HEART RATE - While I have not personally mastered this element, I hold the firm belief that one could reduce one's heart rate sufficiently through relaxation and breathing exercises. The danger, of course, is actually falling asleep, losing consciousness, or perhaps even dying. I do not recommend any of these alternatives to FS. Nor do I encourage the use of depressants to accomplish this feat.

6. EYES OPEN - If you manage this, please contact me immediately to arrange an interview.

Notable FSers

1. JONAH (thank you, compTron): "Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god. ... But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep" (Jonah 1:5). A likely story.

*If you are aware of other cited FSers, please add them below.